New-to-Me Small Crawl: Round 1

Guess who? Mark, of course. Pretty soon, I'm gonna demand co-author credit for this blog.  I bet I could even swap out Melissa's profile and picture and she wouldn't even notice.

We've been down here over a year now and, although we arrived with heartfelt intentions to experience a wide variety of the restaurants and bars, we quickly found places we liked and settled into a routine. That's sooo wrong.  We had taken a solemn oath to maintain a wide knowledge base of the Duval Street area for our future guests. We devised an easy fix; the New-to-Me Bar Crawl. The primary rule is simple, we can't go to any bar unless one or more of the participants have never had a drink there.

When we jumped on the bikes and headed to town, yesterday, we intended a full-fledged NTM Bar Crawl.  Unfortunately, we got a bit of a late start and then, later, had a hang fire on a food order. Both miscues cost us precious Happy Hour time and, in the end, we were only credited with a small crawl.

Under the Key West By-Laws, Rule 3, sec 5,

"No adventure shall be deemed a Bar Crawl unless participants order drinks in, at least, 5 establishments.  In the event that participants experience between 2 and 4 establishments, said adventure shall be deemed a "Small Crawl."

Our first stop was Grunts. It's a small place on the north side of Caroline St about a half block west of Duval.  It's a marvelous spot. Just around the corner from the livelier times of Duval St, it gives you all of the comfort of a neighborhood bar.

 They only offer beer and wine but that's just fine for a neighborhood bar.  The servers and bar staff are sociable, pleasant and professional.  Debbie's also pretty darn cute, isn't she?

During Happy Hour, draft beers are $2.75 and domestic bottles are $3.

After 5:30, you can order food and that seemed like a smart idea.  The menu is limited but we ordered the fish tacos. Somewhere along the line, our order got lost but I prefer not to blame Debbie. I'm sure it wasn't her fault. We probably lost about 30 precious  minutes of Happy Hour. That meant one less stop. When the tacos arrived,  though, I loved them.

When you stop by Grunts, you can have a seat inside, at the bar, or relax at a wrought iron table in the courtyard.  Either option is well worth your time.

Next up, we stopped by the Smallest Bar. Its the ultimate hole-in-the-wall.  You could probably fit about 4 people inside. (Challenge accepted?)

John, the bartender was a really engaging guy.  That big ole smile is real. He's as friendly as a puppy. We decided to test him with a couple drinks and he nailed the mix.

Like us, John's only been down here about a year and a half. I could have hung out and BS'd with him for hours.  We'll definitely stop back to see him.

  Our final stop for the night was the Hog's Breath Saloon. It may be a bit surprising that we hadn't been there yet, but, as a rule, we tend to avoid the more commercialized places.  It was a disappointment. The service was perfunctory and the place just didn't feel warm at all.  Unless we are with someone else who wants to stop there, I doubt we'll be back. There are too many other places that feel more welcoming.

Stay tuned for the next installment of the New-to-Me Bar Crawl.  We haven't go it scheduled yet but I've got a couple weeks off so it could be soon.

Key West Critters

Yep, Mark here again.  You already knew that, though, didn't you?

One of my favorite benefits of walking or biking is being able to watch the wildlife around you. I'll probably always think it's cool to see a Bald Eagle, a big Osprey or a Manatee.  Sometimes, you also get to see some more exotic animals, as well.  Here is a sample from the past few months.

A live Queen Conch.  It was in a fairly muddy area so we can't really see it's best  colors.            

   A Green Sea Turtle

An Octopus (notice him looking at me?)

     ...and of course, a Shark.  Nurse Sharks have an interesting chocolate coloring.

and a young Iguana.  They've got gorgeous color that first couple years

                                                                                                               

These are only cell phone pics so the quality isn't the greatest but I think they are worth sharing. Now I need some shots of the Ospreys, Rays and other critters....

Caroline's Cafe

Ok, it's me again, Mark.  Melissa just isn't keeping up her blogger duties so I'm picking up the slack.

Soon after moving to a new home, you take a vow to explore all of the locale bars and restaraunts.   Hooey. That's a lot easier said then done. Inevitably, you find a spot you really like and exploration quickly takes a back seat. Everyone quickly latches onto favorite places for lunch, dinner, dancing or drinking. Unfortunately, that can also keep you out of some spots you'll like even better.

It took us almost a year before we ate at Carolines Cafe but now it's a regular haunt.

It's has outdoor seating, a great location right on Duval St and the food is absolutely great. You'll find it almost directly opposite the Hard Rock Cafe.  It has an elevated location with several tables that are prime locations for viewing the street.  Now that it's sun dress season, that's meaningful.

Caroline's has a Caribbean flavored menu with some amazing dinner options.  We absolutely love the the Caribbean Skirt Steak, but...we tend to favor the lunch menu.

Melissa has dreams about the Shrimp Club...

...but I'm a fan of their Cuban Sandwich.  They marinate the pulled pork for 24 hours and it's delectable.

The biggest drawback to their sandwiches is the size.  They're gloriously big. They're Bubba big. Most times, Melissa and I just split one. Even the salads are huge.  I overheard a couple ladies, today, happily moaning that their salads were too big to finish, but "yes" they would like boxes.  "Oh Miss, could we also have an extra box for the fries?" 

Despite the portion size, the price is excellent. The Cuban is just $8.99 and the Shrimp Club is $9.99. Those ladies' monster Caesars were $7.99. 

If we are there, you'll normally find us at our favorite table, tucked into the corner. 

Smather's Beach

Mark here.  It's time for this blog to broaden it's perspective.

We all know, there is not a chance in the world that you can come to the lower Keys without putting in some beach time.  It's just not reasonable.  You'd feel like a dork going home without a good tan and the other kids would make fun of you.

There are two primary options in Key West; Smather's Beach and the beach at Fort Zachary Taylor State Park.  We'll tackle Ft Zach another time.  This post will focus on Smather's.

Smather's Beach is the largest and most popular beach on Key West. It lies along the center of the island on the Atlantic side. If you stay in the hotels on the east end of the island, it's easily accessible on foot or bike. There is a nice wide promenade all along the shore that extends from the eastern extreme of the island to the end of the beach. If you aren't ready to hike on a warm day, it also has lots of parking.

Once you get there, it's a great place to lounge away the hangover you earned on Duval Street last night.  The size of the crowd varies pretty wildly with the day of the week and time of year and that's OK. Some days you really prefer some lighter crowds, anyway, and other times you need some eye candy to keep your spirits up.

If last night didn't suck away all of your "feisty", the beach has vendors that will rent everything you need for a grand day on the water.  They have catamarans, paddleboards, wind surfers, jet-skis and, undoubtedly, other options that I'm forgetting.  On the western end of the beach, you can also rent an umbrella or chaise to keep you more comfortable.

You won't need to drag food along with you. You'll find several food vendors that routinely park along the road and offer a nice variety of food or snacks.  They are also a great place to enjoy the prettier highlights of the beach.  (During Spring Break, Smathers is the main gathering point for the college crowd.)

                                                                                    Steve is one of our favorite vendors.  His Italian Ice is fabulous and our favorite flavor is probably the Black Cherry.  Mango is also pretty darn good.

For us, a beach is more appealing when it's just a mellow place to relax.  We're always up for a stroll in the surf.

We'll do a post about the beach at Fort Zach sometime soon.

Happy Hour Series - Schooner Wharf

Anyone who's ever perched on a bar stool between 4 and 6:30 pm knows it's not just the drink that makes the hour happy. The bartender, the band, the view, and the company absolutely make or break a spot.

In the interest of science, and because we have nothing better to do with our afternoons, we've decided to hit every bar in Key West looking for that sweet mix that makes the perfect happy hour.

Okay, we've just discovered that over 360 places in Key West have liquor licenses so we're narrowing down our parameters to bars we find while wandering around the island.

Schooner Wharf kicks off the series with the earliest happy hour on the island - 7 am to Noon.  You read that right. 7 am.

Since they also serve a great breakfast, Mango Mimosas's are the perfect complement to any item on the menu.

Trust me, there's no better breakfast than one you wash down with a Mango Mimosa.







The music starts at 12 on most days and 6 days a week you'll hear Michael McCloud kick it off. While his dog, Cindy, hangs by his side, Michael will treat you to some outstanding folk tunes. His original music is currently played on five XM/Sirius channels. Be sure to listen for his song about an ex-waitress that he didn't like. It's hysterical. Also, be sure to give Cindy a scritch. She's a sweetie. In the evening, you may hear the Doerfels, a unique and talented family group that is great fun. Look for their guitars made out of old hockey sticks.

Look for us most weekdays around 9am.

 You can check out the place on their webcam


When you leave, be sure to head out along the waterfront. You are sure to see some huge Tarpon lolling around just below the surface or you might even be treated to a Manatee. Manatees are cool.

The Battle of the Conch Republic

I'm Mark - today's guest blogger.

You may need some quick background here. In 1982, in an effort to stem the flow of illegal drugs through the Keys, the US Border Patrol set up a roadblock near the northern end of US Highway 1. They stopped every car going in or out and generally created some major pain for residents and visitors. The Key West City Council complained vigorously that it was badly hurting tourism and daily life but they didn't even get a response. Then they tried another approach.

On 23 April 1982, they declared secession from the US and named themselves the Conch Republic. They declared war on the US by breaking a loaf of Cuban bread over the head of a man dressed in a Naval uniform. Then, after one minute, they surrendered to the same man and requested a billion dollars in foreign aid. It worked. The national press got wind of the story and the blockade was lifted within days. They never got the money but, in 1994, the Conch Republic was even invited to the Summit of the Americas. Now days you can still buy passports for the Conch Republic.

Every year, at the end of April, Key West holds a Conch Independence celebration with a series of fun events that culminate with a reenactment of a farcical battle that never happened - Bloody Battle of the Conch Republic. The Conch Navy, Air Force and Army battle to protect the homeland against the evil forces of the Mainland. Usually, the CG even supplies one of its 110-foot Cutters but, this year, sequestration reduced their play to smaller boats.

The Army prepares their cannons for the inevitable carnage while the Conch Air Force holds in defensive positions.

With the Flagship of the Conch Republic leading the way, the Navy arrives to defend Key West's shores against the US Coast Guard and their volunteer militia.

The Conch Army and Naval Battlestaff prepare for the impending engagement.  The Admiral even has a Director's Chair with "Admiral" emblazoned across the back.

The air battle begins. Mainland bombers release toilet paper bombs against the Army but the Conch Air Force is right on their heels.

With flak still in it's rigging, this valiant ship continued the fight. Such bravery can only happen when you fight for a heartfelt cause.

Even the smaller mercenary boats from the mainland put up a fierce fight.  Water cannons rained hell on the brave Conch sailors.   (pun intended.)                                                                                   

VICTORY!  The first Coast Guard vessel limps away in flames.

  ...and the Republic lives on...

Manatees!

After living here almost a year, I finally saw Manatees! Technically, a few months ago, I saw the outline of one as it swam under a cluster of tarpon but that doesn't count. We were out for a walk, along the Bight Marina outside Schooner Wharf,  and saw a mama and baby. 








Mark had to point them out to me. I walked right past thinking they were boat equipment.  You can see how much she blends into the bag hanging next to her.  The next night, we saw the mama in almost the same spot. Baby was probably close by. 

I'll have to start carrying my camera with the polarized lens again.